Stuck in the Center

There's a storm out on the ocean, and it's moving this-a way. If your soul's not anchored in Jesus, you will surely drift away...

Yesterday, my pastor preached about making the right decisions, which was confirmation for me because God has been dealing with me on just that. I asked God not too long ago to help me make better choices. As I sat and listened yesterday I started thinking about both the good and bad choices that I've made in my life, especially since I've been a believer. I'm still under construction so I'll admit that I've made bad choices since I've been saved. I started to wonder about what would have happened if I had taken a different path with some of these choices. Who would have been adversely affect if some of my good choices were not made? And who would have been positively impacted if my bad choices were not made?

While humming that song this morning, God revealed something to me: When you're outside the will of God, you get what you get. Whether it's a job, a financial decision/major purchase, who you choose to marry... You may as well roll the dice and hope for the best. It is basically the same thing. Yet when your "soul is anchored in Jesus" every decision you make is grounded in Him.  I had a dream about three and a half years ago regarding two major decisions that I needed to make.  Impulsively acting on one decision caused me to wait regarding the other.

I did not realize that:
A). I would be still be suffering the consequences of the bad decision I made
and
B). I would still be waiting concerning the other.
I used to think that both consequence were equally bad because I don't like to wait, especially for an extended length of time. Waiting is okay if it's just for a little while...at least that's what I used to tell myself. Finally, I've learned something from my bad decision. Every time it seems like it's time to act on that situation still waiting in the wings, I remember my  impulsive behavior and tell myself, "Just sit tight for a little while longer." The anchor of God's wisdom keeps me in place.

As long as we focus on the storm, of course it's going to seem like it lasts forever. But if we concentrate on what's keeping us from "drifting away," well, then...the storm, no matter how bad, seems bearable. When you know you aren't going anywhere you dig in and go through.

I'll leave you with these parting thoughts.One is the main thing that stuck out from yesterday's sermon: be willing to wait for God to give you His best.  The other is a scripture that I wasn't looking for but was apparently looking for me: And so after he had patiently endured, he obtained the promise (Hebrew 6:15).

Broken Pieces

It is a terrible thing to feel like you're not wanted. But it is far worse when someone only wants bits and pieces of you. There is a great sense of loss in knowing that someone craves the insignificant parts; chip..chip...chipping away; breaking off insignificant parts until a significant amount of you is gone. Now you are left with a gaping hole, living life desperately trying to conceal how exposed you are. A secret known only to you. But like film--in the process of developing--will be destroyed when brought to the light before the process is complete.

A man that I thought I loved walked out of my life (again). I was worried that he was the best that I would get so I started second guessing the good that could be seen in his absence. I focused on my loneliness instead of focusing on the alone time that could potentially help me. I became desperate for this man's attention until God helped me to realized I deserve so much more; regardless of how good looking he was, how much money he made, or how often he went to church.

So before that thing (that un-ordained relationship) could be completed, the Light of God's glory and His love showed me that it shall not be so. It didn't make any sense to me then but now....wow. I have never been so glad to have someone out my life.

Let us always remember our worth and smile. Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies (Proverbs 31:10 KJV).

The hardest thing for me, as a Christian is smiling when I don't feel like it. We all experience difficult seasons and I understand that our conditions are not what make us. I know that our environment should not affect us because strength comes from within. Yet, as I am dealing with multiple challenges, I don't want to smile through the tears. I want to cry, eat cake and go to bed...I also understand that's my flesh.

Health issues, financial issues, job issues--all fell on me like a ton a bricks at the exact same time. I still believe God is able; I know that all of these things are working for my good. I WILL NOT complain. Instead I withdraw and wait. I need to be left alone to keep from lashing out or allowing what I'm going through to negatively affect others.

The thing is...I know that all of these issues are about to turn around. I think it was the late Bishop G.E. Patterson who said that when the devil knows that God is about to evict him from your situation, that Satan is going to attempt to cause as much trouble as he can on the way out.

So I'm still working on that "in spite of smile" but I feel confident that God is okay with that because even though I'm not smiling, I'm not doubting. Job said it best: all the days of my appointed time will I wait, till my change come (Job 14:14).

The Waiting Process

Ahh…It’s finally August: the end of the wedding season. Amid the bouquets, brightly decorated banquet halls, and buffet style serving, I can see tangible signs of my growth. If a year ago, someone had told me that I’d have crazy peace about being unmarried, I would have laughed in his or her face (and called my wedding Isaac).  It is ridiculous how many times I hear “You aren’t married?” or “Why aren’t you married, yet?” or “You don’t want to be married?” It used to hurt just a little and of course people aren’t being cruel or inconsiderate, they just don’t understand. But I, too, didn’t understand for a while. I would ask myself and I would ask God, Why aren’t I married? I would spend countless hours analyzing myself—physical features, state of mind, salvation—every angle. Then I’d analyze my failed relationships. The thing about that is, it’s easy to find fault if fault is what you’re looking for. If I believed that my last failed relationship was because of the man I was dating, then I could blame him and vice versa.

I would sit in my friends’ and family members’ weddings, secretly envious that I wasn’t the one being escorted down the aisle. I was happy for the person who had entered into matrimony. But, still, I was just a little sad…which probably explains why I always ate too much cake at the reception. I was the single girl who didn’t get behind the bride to catch the bouquet. I was better than that; those women always seemed so desperate. I was desperate, too, but I certainly didn’t want to look it. And so it was in life, I desperately wanted to be dating, in a relationship, married… But I didn’t want to look like it.

I’ve moved on. I have created a list of things that I want to do before I get married and I always say that I have plenty of time to get them done. Until one day a friend rebuked me (and was serious, lecturing me in her stern mother voice): “No, no!! Don’t you say that! Why would you say that? Don’t you limit God like that, He can do anything!” She was for real fussing at me, no joke. So I no longer say, “The women in my family have babies well into their 40s; I have time for marriage.” If the truth be told, I pray almost every day that it does not take that long. Do not fret or have any anxiety about anything, but in every circumstance and in everything, by prayer and petition (definite requests), with thanksgiving, continue to make your wants known to God (Phil 4:6 Amplified). The clock is ticking; I’m surrounded by people getting married, engaged, meeting “the one.” What’s so strange is I was about to give up, when I heard it three times: 1-during morning devotion; 2-on the way to work; 3-at church. Surely that was no coincidence. When God speaks, I listen. He said, “Delay is not denial.”

In February 2008 I had a dream. In this dream someone walk up to me and said, “The Lord knows that you desire a mate. He is here at your church; just wait for love to approach you.” I received it and knew it was God. I didn’t say it out loud but I was thinking, “There are no datable single men at this church.” I received this prophesy right in the middle of a broken heart, so nothing anyone said, even GOD, was going to drag me from the pity party where I’d camped out. The Lord took me through some things—painful but necessary things—until I learned to genuinely trust Him when it came to my singleness. I didn’t hate being single, but I REALLY didn’t like it. I used to think that God was so sick of my whining; so tired of me crying about the same thing over and over and over… Then I realized that God cares about my problems because He cares about me. So I figured I owed it to Him to stop whining, if only for a little while.

I did well for a while. I tried to be optimistic about my situation. I put on a good game face but my heart wasn’t in it. I remember watching something on television that hit so close to home that I cried. I cried and cried, and cried some more; then I went to sleep. For the rest of the year I was miserable. I just said, “Well, maybe it’s not meant for me to be married. Nobody wants me.” Twelve months of this, literally from February 19, 2008 to February 1, 2009. I remember around the end of January 2009, thinking to myself  that I needed to fast for the New Year. Going back & forth: should I, shouldn’t I? Will I, won’t I? Until God said, “you should and you will…and do this: be quiet and listen, speak positive; be patient; stay focused; no TV, no coffee, no sweets. You’ll have your answer in the end.” Is He serious? No coffee, not even light roast? OK, here goes… For twenty one days, I did just what God required of me. I thought that at the end I would meet my soul mate but I met someone better—me. I was almost scared of the peace that rested in my heart. And God's peace [shall be yours, that tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and being content with its earthly lot of whatever sort that is…[ that peace] which transcends all understanding shall garrison and mount guard over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus (Phil 4:7 Amplified).

Approaching two years after that prophesy, I started to wonder….did I misunderstand? Was that really God who spoke or just my own optimistic, overactive imagination? What am I to learn from being single? What is that I must accomplish during this season of my life? Whatever it is, it has to be important and I have this unshakable feeling that the fruit is not just for my benefit but for others as well. I had another dream and at the time, I didn’t tell anyone about this dream but I woke up feeling…something. I can’t quite find a word to describe how I felt. I know I was hopeful, but there was another subtle feeling, lightly woven within the hope barely there. I felt it then and I feel it now…that other something that keeps the hope going. I have this purpose, this goal that must be done; something that shall be done. I had my eye on the prize and I knew that was moving forward.

Then something happened.

I met this guy. He was a nice guy, a good looking guy. He told me, “I’ve been a member for three years.” Wow. How is that possible? How could I have been at this church for five years and miss this one here? Suddenly God’s prophesy came to mind. I thought to myself that surely this man was who He had in mind. And like I’ve done once before, I tried to make my life fit into God’s word instead of allowing Him to put the puzzle pieces into place.  

I initiated conversation with this man. I was excited because we had good chemistry. Then something else happened: God said “no.” But instead of doing what I normally do (follow my will instead of God’s, make a big mess of my life, then beg Him to help me) I said, “Okay.” I saw what God saw. This was not in His plan for me. This man at this time was not a part of the plan. I thought it would be difficult to walk away, but it was surprisingly easy; and I felt good about my decision.   

 
So in the meantime—the time between my promise and the performance—I wait. But not with my hands neatly folded in my lap watching the minutes tick by. I wait as in “what can I do for You now, Lord. What is it that you need of me?” I wait on God, not for God. Sometimes we get the impressing that God owes us something; especially if He has spoken something into our lives and it doesn’t happen when you feel it should. I have been waiting for marriage for seven years, but I’ve been waiting on God for only a few months. It took me a really long time to learn the difference. Now when someone asks the once dreaded question about my “unmarriedness” I just smile and say, “I’m waiting on God.” In the meantime I, with expectant anticipation, serve God.

Writer's Block

In case you haven't noticed, this blog has not been recently updated. I have, for the past two weeks, been literally unable to write. It was not until today that I understood why. The most pertinent gift that God has given me is writing. It comes directly from Him. I know this because I hear it--He speaks, I write. Two weeks ago I turned my eyes and my ears away from God. For some reason I keep finding myself in circumstances where I keep letting in the same distraction.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Distraction.
C'mon in!

I just don't understand it... I should know better right? It's not like I don't know what's going to happen. I've been here before, just wore different shoes. It's amazing how the things that we say we'll never do sometimes come and bite us on the cheek."God I would NEVER do that; I know better. I know You love me. I'd see that wolf in sheep's clothing coming a mile away."

Yet there I was like the rabbit chasing that unattainable carrot on a string... And I knew, I absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt, knew--deep down in my heart and my spirit--I knew I should have walked away. I saw the warning signs;  BIG, BRIGHT NEON warning signs. Yet I willingly, consciously ignored them all. Imagine driving down a somewhat familiar and you see a sign: Dead End, yet you keep driving. Later you see: No Outlet; Turn Around Now; instead of paying attention and heeding the warnings, you keep driving. Finally the road ends and you're stuck. Now you have to turn around and begin the journey again.

I ignored God's warnings and kept on going. I decided that I wasn't satisfied, that walking by faith was no longer enough...I wanted God to "show me the money." So I began to rationalize: well, I can stand to lose this and this and that, I'm okay with those losses. But I want to keep this. Then the most horrible thing happened - I couldn't write. I tried over and over and over again. I knew why but I was still in denial.

I won't use you if you won't listen. This is what you'll be sacrificing; writing is what you lose...is it worth it? Well, Lord when You put it that way... 

It turns out my writer's block wasn't writer's block at all. It was me erecting a wall between me and God. I did it on purpose, thinking I can keep what matters to me. Now why would I go and do a foolish thing like that? I honestly don't have an answer.

I failed to understand that writing matters so much to me because God put his seal of approval on it. It is His purpose for my life. If I'm not listening to, focused on, chasing after Him, then I'm not writing. I love this gift. I want to use this gift--for God, for me, for His people. Neglect not the gift that is within thee (1 Timothy 14:4a KJV). So as I sit here, listening and writing, I can't help but smile. I smile because I know He loves me and He wasn't ready to give up even though I was.

It makes sense: me writing...me and God.

It's Okay to Settle

Lately, a new emotion has stirred within me and for the last few weeks I have had the most difficult time trying to figure out what it was. It's not the familiar feeling of joy, which is so important to me and I treasure it dearly. It's not peace and contentment, also well known to me. They--much like goodness and mercy--follow me daily. I tried and tried to figure out what this new feeling was. Finally, one day while driving home from work, when I had resigned myself to leave this foreign thing alone, a word came to me while I was listening to the radio.

Settled - that's it.

Most times when we hear that word, it's usually not a good sign. As singles we settle for less than what we desire; we settle for less than what God has designed for our lives. It seems in this day and age, being content with singleness is absurd. I've been interrogated so many times about my love life (or lack thereof) and I am always encouraged to "put myself out there." Truth is, I don't really want to be "out there" wherever "that" may be. I'm okay...really.

My heart is settled. I am at peace with where I am. Now it is true that in the past, I have made poor decisions about the men that I've chosen to love. I have cried. I've questioned my worth. I've given up. I have allowed others' opinions about love influence my own, sometimes even to the point of drowning out God's voice. But now...not so much.

Please don't misunderstand me. I still believe in love and I still believe that somewhere, a man exists for whom I am the perfect fit. I don't expect him to knock on my door with a dozen roses, professing his undying love. Yet at the same time, I think that if I go looking for him I won't find him.

I sometimes wonder if I am an anomaly; or if I'm crazy for not being so man crazy. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace [who imparts all blessing and favor]; Who has called you to His [own] eternal glory in Christ Jesus, will Himself complete and make you what you ought to be, establish and ground you securely, and strengthen and settle you (1 Peter 5:10 Amplified). I think it's safe to say that I've suffered a bit--I will spare you all the pitiful details--for love's sake. And even after all of my mishaps, miscues, and misunderstandings, I would not change a thing because each one has taught me something about myself, about love, and about God's character.

I wish that I could explain how I got here. But the only thing that comes to mind is "due season." 
I('m) settled and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Book Excerpt

Hello Followers,

I would like to share with you a project that I am currently working on. I hope to have it done by the end of the year and ready for bookstores before my next birthday. It is untitle as of yet; I've been spending most night working on it so pray with me and for me...I'm halfway done. Enjoy

Now this quilt was made with love. Every time you feel like the  world’s a hard place and people keep taking from you, you take this quilt and wrap it tight ‘roun about ya and let its power wash over and cover you...

            Nadine smiled to herself as she pulled the quilt tighter around her shoulders. It was her security blanket. When her grandmother died it absorbed her tears. It was there to comfort her after every breakup and broken heart. It soothed her temper on those occasions when nothing else seemed to calm her down. She couldn’t explain it, but Nadine felt that the quilt really did have something woven deep within its fibers. Now she found herself once again calling upon the power her Granny promised. She examined her prized possession as she fought the swell of emotions from today’s incident. She felt drained from it. Trying to forget, Nadine focused on the patchwork. Many of the patches were still vibrant and full of texture even though the quilt was almost twenty years old.

            When Nadine was a child, she’d sit with her grandmother asking questions about the quilt, listening to her Granny lovingly explain each patch: lace from her own wedding dress, a piece of the uniform from her uncle who died in the Vietnam War; a dress worn by Nadine’s mother on her first day of high school, and so many more. She pulled the quilt tighter as she looked out of the bay window of her home, noticing that the overcast clouds had finally made good on their promise of rain. Nadine loved rainy days and thunder storms. Snuggling in the oversized arm chair, she closed her eyes, listening to the steady beat of the rain hitting the window, and sighed deeply. Finally her muscles felt like they were beginning to relax and she felt the tension slowly easing away until the phone rang. Nadine jumped, caught off guard by the intruding sound.

            Annoyed, she snatched up the receiver, “Hello..?”

            “Are you pregnant or something?” It was Nadine’s best friend Tara. They had been friends for only a year but it felt like a lifetime. Tara was supermodel pretty at 5’10” and size 2 even though she ate like a madman. When Nadine first met her, she wondered if she was a bulimic but realized that she had freakishly high metabolism and actually loved working out. Tara Sinclair-Reed wore her reddish brown hair short and natural, highlighting her caramel color and high cheekbones. Most people thought that just because she was beautiful, that Tara was stupid. On the contrary, she graduated Suma Cum Laude from Spellman College with a double major, successfully completed Emory Law School, and is now one of the city’s top criminal attorneys.

            “Why on earth would you think I was pregnant?” Nadine replied.

            “Well I was downtown today and stopped by the office; imagine my surprise when Renee tells me that you left early because you fainted. Why else do women faint? Don’t play girl”

            “Could it be because Nick Hughes is our new client and guess who’s heading the account?”

            “OH….MY….GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!” Tara yelled. Nadine had to hold the phone away from her ear.

            “My thoughts exactly,” Nadine replied. She listened to Tara’s stuttering, trying to find words but failing miserably. She waited for her friend to pull it together and braced herself for the next question.

            “So what’s next?” she asked.

            Nadine intentionally changed the subject. She had no idea what was next. Tara was one of her best friends and had seen her through a lot. She had told Tara that Nick was the reason she’d moved here to Memphis and a few of the details. But she wasn’t ready to release the dam of emotion that was churning inside her now. She was afraid of what would come out.

            Tara snorted. “Whew, I recognize that defense a mile away. Okay I get it; you don’t want to talk about it.” Both women were silent. “Wanna go egg his house?”

They laughed. Nadine declined the offer, mainly because she didn’t know where he lived. She knew that when she was ready to talk, Tara would be there with whatever she needed, whether it was a tissue or a tire iron.

            “Trust me; you’ll be the first one I call when I’m ready to go postal. Let your husband know two things: one, where you’re going to be and two, it was all your idea.”

            “Child…my hubby knows me. He says he has a ‘bail money’ stash just for me. Why do you think I’m so good at what I do? I know how my clients think.” They both laughed. Nadine was glad to have Tara as a friend. She always knew how make her feel better.

            “I’ll give you a call sometime tomorrow,” Nadine said.

            “Okay, I’ll be praying for you and waiting to hear the good report...or police report. But due to conflict of interest, with you being my best friend and all, I would not be able to represent you,” she said. “However, I could refer you to one of my very capable colleagues.”

            Nadine laughed again, “Bye Tara, thanks for calling.”

            Nadine felt better. She finally allowed her mind to wander and think about Mr. Nick Hughes. She had been head over heels and thought they were soul mates because she had never opened up to anyone the way she did Nick. She thought of him as her best friend. She tried to forget the last encounter…

            It felt like someone had just kicked Nadine in her stomach. Married…Nick is getting married? How could she have been so stupid? She sat in church staring at the engraved invitation with the time and location of the upcoming nuptials of Nicholas Hughes and Laura Whitmore…wow. She felt Nick’s stare from across the sanctuary but refused to return it. He was getting married—to someone else—and never even bothered to tell her.  That was the day she decided, if offered, to take the job in Tennessee. She had avoided Nick until it was time for her to move. She half expected him to try to stop her…almost hoped he would; but, he didn’t.

            After crying for what seemed like weeks, Nadine decided to try her best to forget about Nick and Memphis, TN seemed like a good idea. She was so grateful that she had actually gotten the job at Chase Lockhart. The only thing that had been keeping her from applying for the job was Nick, hindsight, she was glad her instincts won out over her feelings. It seemed like a decent place to start over. She knew that if she stayed in Cincinnati, she would either commit adultery or commit murder. Neither was an option.

            Now here she was again. “God, how am I going to get through this? Why him, why now?! I really need You to show Yourself strong.” I’m requiring the same of you, My daughter.  She wasn’t surprised by the reply but she wasn’t sure if she was up to the test now. Nadine wiped her face with a corner of the quilt. She reached for her tattered Bible sitting on the end table and flipped to her favorite passage, I Thessalonians 5:16-24. She read silently, then Nadine read the last verse aloud, “Faithful is he that calleth you, who also will do it.” Of course she found the familiar comfort in reading the Bible but she didn’t feel any better about her situation. She said the verse again, “Faithful is He…” Lord I don’t understand. Why now? Why him? What is it that you are calling me to do?  She waited. She listened. However Nadine knew that when the time was right, God would reveal to her exactly what she needed to know. She knew she needed something in the meantime.

            “Okay, girl,” Nadine said in a feeble attempt at giving herself a pep talk, “you can do this. I can do this….I can do all things through Christ, right?” She sighed deeply… “All things…” And finally she let the tears she’d been fighting all day fall, hoping these tears were the last she’d ever shed for that man.