Today, I wondered if--by being transparent and sharing with the teeny, tiny portion of the world who reads my blog--am I offending anyone. Many of my post have stemmed from a single struggle that I once had - a fear of being alone for the rest of my life and allowing the spirit of loneliness to consume and destroy me. When I finally admitted to myself that my singleness would be well kept in God's mighty hands and let go, weird things started to happen. Somewhere between trying not to offend and trying to get people to see my experiences and to write in such a way that they see and hear God, a bit of a struggle ensued. Instead of trying to get someone (who forced me to confront the aforementioned feelings I was so afraid of exposing) see how much help they'd been, he saw it as a violation of trust. It was like a slap in the face. Lord what am I doing wrong? Why is it so hard for people to let go of what I used to be and see me for who I'm trying to be?
I realized that I love this person who I had so offended. I knew that something about me has changed. The old me would fall in love and panic after realizing the suitor didn't reciprocate my feelings. I would alter myself to be someone worthy of his love. When that didn't work and the love remained, I pushed it deep down inside of me, hoping that lack of exposure would cause it to die. Instead, it took root inside of me and I became good at shutting people out as a result. But not this time.
Now, after that terrible thing has been uprooted in me (thanks to a wonderful, spirit filled Tuesday night service in the not too distant past), I can say this: I can love and expect nothing in return. This love, once foreign to me, allows me to pray for the person, to see what's right and what's wrong and not judge or condemn; but to simply keep loving. Instead of taking this rejected love and seeing it as a bad thing, I have embraced it and I LOVE it.
Smiling and going about my usual evening routine I had a revelation: I had just reached a new level. After a ten second praise break I had the overwhelming need to share. I am beginning to understand God's love for me and it brought tears to my eyes. He has loved me from the beginning. When I was rank with the stink of sin He loved me. When I professed to love Him but my actions proved otherwise, He still loved me.
My understanding, acceptance, and dependence (for real this time) on God's love allows me to see others with so much more compassion than I once did. I cannot help but love. It is being woven into the fiber of my being. We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love. God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them (1 John 4:16 NLT).
Love God, love yourself, love others...
