Writer's Block

In case you haven't noticed, this blog has not been recently updated. I have, for the past two weeks, been literally unable to write. It was not until today that I understood why. The most pertinent gift that God has given me is writing. It comes directly from Him. I know this because I hear it--He speaks, I write. Two weeks ago I turned my eyes and my ears away from God. For some reason I keep finding myself in circumstances where I keep letting in the same distraction.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Distraction.
C'mon in!

I just don't understand it... I should know better right? It's not like I don't know what's going to happen. I've been here before, just wore different shoes. It's amazing how the things that we say we'll never do sometimes come and bite us on the cheek."God I would NEVER do that; I know better. I know You love me. I'd see that wolf in sheep's clothing coming a mile away."

Yet there I was like the rabbit chasing that unattainable carrot on a string... And I knew, I absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt, knew--deep down in my heart and my spirit--I knew I should have walked away. I saw the warning signs;  BIG, BRIGHT NEON warning signs. Yet I willingly, consciously ignored them all. Imagine driving down a somewhat familiar and you see a sign: Dead End, yet you keep driving. Later you see: No Outlet; Turn Around Now; instead of paying attention and heeding the warnings, you keep driving. Finally the road ends and you're stuck. Now you have to turn around and begin the journey again.

I ignored God's warnings and kept on going. I decided that I wasn't satisfied, that walking by faith was no longer enough...I wanted God to "show me the money." So I began to rationalize: well, I can stand to lose this and this and that, I'm okay with those losses. But I want to keep this. Then the most horrible thing happened - I couldn't write. I tried over and over and over again. I knew why but I was still in denial.

I won't use you if you won't listen. This is what you'll be sacrificing; writing is what you lose...is it worth it? Well, Lord when You put it that way... 

It turns out my writer's block wasn't writer's block at all. It was me erecting a wall between me and God. I did it on purpose, thinking I can keep what matters to me. Now why would I go and do a foolish thing like that? I honestly don't have an answer.

I failed to understand that writing matters so much to me because God put his seal of approval on it. It is His purpose for my life. If I'm not listening to, focused on, chasing after Him, then I'm not writing. I love this gift. I want to use this gift--for God, for me, for His people. Neglect not the gift that is within thee (1 Timothy 14:4a KJV). So as I sit here, listening and writing, I can't help but smile. I smile because I know He loves me and He wasn't ready to give up even though I was.

It makes sense: me writing...me and God.

It's Okay to Settle

Lately, a new emotion has stirred within me and for the last few weeks I have had the most difficult time trying to figure out what it was. It's not the familiar feeling of joy, which is so important to me and I treasure it dearly. It's not peace and contentment, also well known to me. They--much like goodness and mercy--follow me daily. I tried and tried to figure out what this new feeling was. Finally, one day while driving home from work, when I had resigned myself to leave this foreign thing alone, a word came to me while I was listening to the radio.

Settled - that's it.

Most times when we hear that word, it's usually not a good sign. As singles we settle for less than what we desire; we settle for less than what God has designed for our lives. It seems in this day and age, being content with singleness is absurd. I've been interrogated so many times about my love life (or lack thereof) and I am always encouraged to "put myself out there." Truth is, I don't really want to be "out there" wherever "that" may be. I'm okay...really.

My heart is settled. I am at peace with where I am. Now it is true that in the past, I have made poor decisions about the men that I've chosen to love. I have cried. I've questioned my worth. I've given up. I have allowed others' opinions about love influence my own, sometimes even to the point of drowning out God's voice. But now...not so much.

Please don't misunderstand me. I still believe in love and I still believe that somewhere, a man exists for whom I am the perfect fit. I don't expect him to knock on my door with a dozen roses, professing his undying love. Yet at the same time, I think that if I go looking for him I won't find him.

I sometimes wonder if I am an anomaly; or if I'm crazy for not being so man crazy. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace [who imparts all blessing and favor]; Who has called you to His [own] eternal glory in Christ Jesus, will Himself complete and make you what you ought to be, establish and ground you securely, and strengthen and settle you (1 Peter 5:10 Amplified). I think it's safe to say that I've suffered a bit--I will spare you all the pitiful details--for love's sake. And even after all of my mishaps, miscues, and misunderstandings, I would not change a thing because each one has taught me something about myself, about love, and about God's character.

I wish that I could explain how I got here. But the only thing that comes to mind is "due season." 
I('m) settled and I wouldn't have it any other way.