This Time Last Year...

This time last year ________________________; but today ____________________________.

Let's fill in the blanks shall we? I'll go first.

This time last year I was depressed, probably on the verge of losing it; but today I am content, conscious of God's plan for me, and happy. Looking back, I realize the root of my depression. I thought it was because of what was going on around me and what was happening to me; but the truth of the matter is my physical being was reacting to my spiritual state. I was disobeying God and I knew it.  My "this time last year" probably should not have happened. Had I moved when God said move months before, this time last year would probably sound a lot like today.

I've been thinking about some things, some decisions, actions that I have made and done in the past. God has reminded me of some opportunities that He had given me that I've turned my nose up at and ignored. I think about how I intentionally pushed someone away when I all I had to do was listen. 

I became so engulfed in "shoulda, coulda, woulda" that I began to feel like a failure. I had to instantly rebuke that mindset because where I am (bad decisions and all) is exactly where I am supposed to be. 

I cannot take back word that I have spoken. I cannot undo actions that I have committed. I cannot press a giant rewind button to go back and do things different. God, in his Awesomeness, could have made our lives that easy but what kind of state would we be in if we knew that we could undo or redo something after learning the repercussions. We would probably be a bunch of ungrateful brats unappreciative of our Father.

I know that God is not bringing these things to the forefront of my mind to make me feel like a failure or that I feel bad. I believe He is showing me these things so that when the next opportunity comes along, I will be able to see Him in it and act accordingly. I am preparing for whatever is about to come; and although I'm mindful of my past, I can't spend a great deal of time dwelling on it in my season of preparation. 

I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong. By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward--to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back (Philippians 3:12-14 The Message Bible). 

I could have presented the familiar KJV of this passage but I love how The Message Bible words it. "I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back" - doesn't that sound exciting? Doesn't it sound like purpose?

I know that I have been posting a lot about purpose and plans but I cannot shake it. Perhaps this is more for me than for anyone. We must ask ourselves, "What can I do better today than I did yesterday? How am I getting ready today for what's coming tomorrow? I have to repent for this question because unfortunately, sometimes the answer is "nothing." But that's also a lesson worth learning.

This post is interactive. If you are reading this, I want you to comment--TESTIFY--about your this time last year and your today. What may seem like nothing to you can be just the word someone else is waiting to hear. I feel it in my heart and my spirit that someone is going to be encouraged by what you say.

No Limits

I was so inspired by Tuesday night's service here at my local church because there is something that I have been thinking about for the last month that requires a tremendous amount of faith and after that Rhema word, I'm ready to move.

First, let me back up a bit: On Sunday, I woke up with the song "No Limits" ringing in my head. If you aren't familiar with it, here are the simple yet profound lyrics:

No limits, no boundaries

I see increase all around me

Stretch forth, break forth

Release me/enlarge my territory

Take the limits off

The pastor at my home church preached about Lazarus (John 11). Actually, he preached about Mary and her measure of faith. She believed that Jesus could have healed a sick Lazarus; she believed that in death, Lazarus would live again in heaven for all of eternity. Yet, she didn't believe Jesus could raise Lazarus up who had been "good n' dead." My home church pastor also said there are three kinds of faith: limited, fundamental, and unlimited. Mary (in case you haven't figure it out) had limited faith. Then he admonished us to take the limits off of God and to pursue unlimited faith. God, afterall, can do anything but fail. OK, Lord, I'm listening...didn't you just tell me that this morning though that song stuck in my head?

Last Monday, I talked about how I got lost on the way home because I chose a different route (Just Wait it Out). Little did I know God was going to remind me of something that I abandoned over ten years ago. It has been my dream since college to become a professor, department chair, and/or dean and someday president of a college or university.

I cannot believe that I had forgotten that dream. God reminded me of the path that I had moved away from. As a matter of fact, now, I am remembering the favor that was given me to attend a university for a Master's degree specifically geared towards post secondary teaching. Had I stayed that course, I would be closer to my once forgotten, perhaps subconsciously dismissed dream. 

Now back to the present: last night my pastor talked about the children of Israel who were afraid to venture into the unknown when they were right on the verge...on the boundaries of the promised land.  However, they didn't have enough faith in themselves (which is bad enough by itself), but they didn't have enough faith in God. He challenged us on our level of faith. Are you willing look crazy...have you looked crazy for faith's sake? (So you know I'm jumping on the inside by this point; that's the title of last month's post).

It has been weighing tremendously on me to go back to school, get my PhD, and move in this direction that I believe God is leading me. I have no idea how I am going to pay for this, I don't know if I'll be able to get a job once I receive the degree. Can I admit that I'm scared? I like having a plan, that's my comfort zone. Yet God, especially this year, has been pushing me ever so gently out of my comfort zone. Who knew this was something He was preparing me for? Last year, I would have talked myself out of this but now... Well, now I am about to study for the GRE just in case I need to take it. Now I am going to respond to this email about an online class geared towards teaching adults. Now I am going to use any extra funds I get (no matter how small) to save for the cost of entry exams, transcript requests, and application fees.

Even though the fig trees have no blossom, and there are no grapes on the vines; even though the olive crop fails, and the fields are barren; even though the flocks die in the fields, and the cattle barns are empty, yet I will rejoice in the LORD! I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!  Habakkuk 3:17-18 NLT

I do not have a clue as to how this is going to happen. But I am so overwhelmed by the belief that this is God's plan, that I just can't ignore it. Habakkuk creates a list of everything going wrong in his life then he ends it with hope. I don't know what this future of mine holds, I don't know where the money is coming from, but I know that I will rejoice in the Lord. I will believe in God. I will believe in me. Then I will hope and see what the end is going to be.