Let me preface this post with an apology. I neglected to publish anything during October...which was not for a lack of trying but I simply didn't hear anything that I felt led to share.
Now, back to our regularly scheduled entry.
I don't know if anyone remembers the post regarding my "list." (She's Making a List and Checking It Twice June 2011) but I was thinking about it...again...here lately. During this week's Sunday School, the teacher talked about the difference between self made storms and the storms that God allows to develop and grow us. Well, last week that kind of happened to me. But in a backwards sort of way. I was thinking about my list and the person who fit the bill. So I texted him. Yes, I know it was a bad idea but I just couldn't help myself. It wasn't that I was missing him or wanted him to want me. I think I was more so testing my own strength. I wanted something to gauge my growth. Granted, there were many other things that I could have done...but the thing is, I became stuck in a cycle of falling for men who didn't want me. I sit here and think back and it has been, as my mother says (which she got from her dad) "the same soup warmed over." And quiet as it's kept--well, not really. But I was sick of eating that soup! (Stay with me, this isn't random rambling).
I don't know if it's the new look, or my conscious decision to speak positively and invite positive things into my life, but it dawned on me in the middle of that text conversation, "It's not me. It's him!" Can I admit that I thought it was me? Which I know is a bit absurd yet the release, the total liberation that I felt after that realization is anything but. It has had me walking on air, singing hallelujah, and dreaming sweet dreams. If I had not listened to God, taken time to finally grow up (in my spirit) then I know without a shadow of doubt, I would be in the midst of one of those self inflicted storms--without umbrella or galoshes--getting pummeled by an unnecessary rain.
This is what God said, one morning as I bent to get something from under the sink, Now, do you want what you want or do you want what I want for you? Something in my mind, body, and soul just clicked. It was for me an audible one: a soft click, no louder than a whisper. I stood up and smiled. I remembered the list. I put everything I wanted in a man, boyfriend turned husband, soul mate, help mete, boo thang....whatever you want to call it. And I thought because I left off a physical description or desired features, that made me deep. It didn't. What I should have done was make a list of my concerns, fears, hopes, what I loved and what I hated about being single; prayed over it, then put it in God's hands.
That man--the list made flesh--is not at all what I want. I sit here and wonder if he would be able to pray for me, or love God more than me, or cover and protect me. Would he be willing to spoil me? I don't know and I am no longer interested in finding out. Problems arise when we try to use or keep something past its expiration date. It's the same way with God. He allows things according to His time frame: some things are meant to last, while most are just seasonal. You wouldn't drink milk with an expiration date of Nov 12 on Christmas Eve. Do you know why? Because it would make you terribly sick.
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build (Ecclesiastes 3:1-3 NLT)
Yet we do it all the time with relationships, jobs, ministry...hold on to what we know is past the prime. I knew---absolutely, positively, unequivocally KNEW---that list made flesh was intended to be something temporary. But I allowed myself to get in my own way. I held on past the expiration date and, yes, I got sick...in my heart and my spirit. But a God who loves me more than words can ever describe, allowed me to evolve because of it.
I didn't know how this was going to end when I started, but I thank God for the revelation. If you find yourself wondering why you're not feeling like yourself or if there are some "things-not-quite-right" situations in your life, check the expiration date. It may be time to throw some stuff away.
Now, back to our regularly scheduled entry.
I don't know if anyone remembers the post regarding my "list." (She's Making a List and Checking It Twice June 2011) but I was thinking about it...again...here lately. During this week's Sunday School, the teacher talked about the difference between self made storms and the storms that God allows to develop and grow us. Well, last week that kind of happened to me. But in a backwards sort of way. I was thinking about my list and the person who fit the bill. So I texted him. Yes, I know it was a bad idea but I just couldn't help myself. It wasn't that I was missing him or wanted him to want me. I think I was more so testing my own strength. I wanted something to gauge my growth. Granted, there were many other things that I could have done...but the thing is, I became stuck in a cycle of falling for men who didn't want me. I sit here and think back and it has been, as my mother says (which she got from her dad) "the same soup warmed over." And quiet as it's kept--well, not really. But I was sick of eating that soup! (Stay with me, this isn't random rambling). I don't know if it's the new look, or my conscious decision to speak positively and invite positive things into my life, but it dawned on me in the middle of that text conversation, "It's not me. It's him!" Can I admit that I thought it was me? Which I know is a bit absurd yet the release, the total liberation that I felt after that realization is anything but. It has had me walking on air, singing hallelujah, and dreaming sweet dreams. If I had not listened to God, taken time to finally grow up (in my spirit) then I know without a shadow of doubt, I would be in the midst of one of those self inflicted storms--without umbrella or galoshes--getting pummeled by an unnecessary rain.
This is what God said, one morning as I bent to get something from under the sink, Now, do you want what you want or do you want what I want for you? Something in my mind, body, and soul just clicked. It was for me an audible one: a soft click, no louder than a whisper. I stood up and smiled. I remembered the list. I put everything I wanted in a man, boyfriend turned husband, soul mate, help mete, boo thang....whatever you want to call it. And I thought because I left off a physical description or desired features, that made me deep. It didn't. What I should have done was make a list of my concerns, fears, hopes, what I loved and what I hated about being single; prayed over it, then put it in God's hands.
That man--the list made flesh--is not at all what I want. I sit here and wonder if he would be able to pray for me, or love God more than me, or cover and protect me. Would he be willing to spoil me? I don't know and I am no longer interested in finding out. Problems arise when we try to use or keep something past its expiration date. It's the same way with God. He allows things according to His time frame: some things are meant to last, while most are just seasonal. You wouldn't drink milk with an expiration date of Nov 12 on Christmas Eve. Do you know why? Because it would make you terribly sick.
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build (Ecclesiastes 3:1-3 NLT)
Yet we do it all the time with relationships, jobs, ministry...hold on to what we know is past the prime. I knew---absolutely, positively, unequivocally KNEW---that list made flesh was intended to be something temporary. But I allowed myself to get in my own way. I held on past the expiration date and, yes, I got sick...in my heart and my spirit. But a God who loves me more than words can ever describe, allowed me to evolve because of it.
I didn't know how this was going to end when I started, but I thank God for the revelation. If you find yourself wondering why you're not feeling like yourself or if there are some "things-not-quite-right" situations in your life, check the expiration date. It may be time to throw some stuff away.
