Ahh…It’s finally August: the end of the wedding season. Amid the bouquets, brightly decorated banquet halls, and buffet style serving, I can see tangible signs of my growth. If a year ago, someone had told me that I’d have crazy peace about being unmarried, I would have laughed in his or her face (and called my wedding Isaac). It is ridiculous how many times I hear “You aren’t married?” or “Why aren’t you married, yet?” or “You don’t want to be married?” It used to hurt just a little and of course people aren’t being cruel or inconsiderate, they just don’t understand. But I, too, didn’t understand for a while. I would ask myself and I would ask God, Why aren’t I married? I would spend countless hours analyzing myself—physical features, state of mind, salvation—every angle. Then I’d analyze my failed relationships. The thing about that is, it’s easy to find fault if fault is what you’re looking for. If I believed that my last failed relationship was because of the man I was dating, then I could blame him and vice versa.
I would sit in my friends’ and family members’ weddings, secretly envious that I wasn’t the one being escorted down the aisle. I was happy for the person who had entered into matrimony. But, still, I was just a little sad…which probably explains why I always ate too much cake at the reception. I was the single girl who didn’t get behind the bride to catch the bouquet. I was better than that; those women always seemed so desperate. I was desperate, too, but I certainly didn’t want to look it. And so it was in life, I desperately wanted to be dating, in a relationship, married… But I didn’t want to look like it.
I’ve moved on. I have created a list of things that I want to do before I get married and I always say that I have plenty of time to get them done. Until one day a friend rebuked me (and was serious, lecturing me in her stern mother voice): “No, no!! Don’t you say that! Why would you say that? Don’t you limit God like that, He can do anything!” She was for real fussing at me, no joke. So I no longer say, “The women in my family have babies well into their 40s; I have time for marriage.” If the truth be told, I pray almost every day that it does not take that long. Do not fret or have any anxiety about anything, but in every circumstance and in everything, by prayer and petition (definite requests), with thanksgiving, continue to make your wants known to God (Phil 4:6 Amplified). The clock is ticking; I’m surrounded by people getting married, engaged, meeting “the one.” What’s so strange is I was about to give up, when I heard it three times: 1-during morning devotion; 2-on the way to work; 3-at church. Surely that was no coincidence. When God speaks, I listen. He said, “Delay is not denial.”
In February 2008 I had a dream. In this dream someone walk up to me and said, “The Lord knows that you desire a mate. He is here at your church; just wait for love to approach you.” I received it and knew it was God. I didn’t say it out loud but I was thinking, “There are no datable single men at this church.” I received this prophesy right in the middle of a broken heart, so nothing anyone said, even GOD, was going to drag me from the pity party where I’d camped out. The Lord took me through some things—painful but necessary things—until I learned to genuinely trust Him when it came to my singleness. I didn’t hate being single, but I REALLY didn’t like it. I used to think that God was so sick of my whining; so tired of me crying about the same thing over and over and over… Then I realized that God cares about my problems because He cares about me. So I figured I owed it to Him to stop whining, if only for a little while.
I did well for a while. I tried to be optimistic about my situation. I put on a good game face but my heart wasn’t in it. I remember watching something on television that hit so close to home that I cried. I cried and cried, and cried some more; then I went to sleep. For the rest of the year I was miserable. I just said, “Well, maybe it’s not meant for me to be married. Nobody wants me.” Twelve months of this, literally from February 19, 2008 to February 1, 2009. I remember around the end of January 2009, thinking to myself that I needed to fast for the New Year. Going back & forth: should I, shouldn’t I? Will I, won’t I? Until God said, “you should and you will…and do this: be quiet and listen, speak positive; be patient; stay focused; no TV, no coffee, no sweets. You’ll have your answer in the end.” Is He serious? No coffee, not even light roast? OK, here goes… For twenty one days, I did just what God required of me. I thought that at the end I would meet my soul mate but I met someone better—me. I was almost scared of the peace that rested in my heart. And God's peace [shall be yours, that tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and being content with its earthly lot of whatever sort that is…[ that peace] which transcends all understanding shall garrison and mount guard over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus (Phil 4:7 Amplified).
Approaching two years after that prophesy, I started to wonder….did I misunderstand? Was that really God who spoke or just my own optimistic, overactive imagination? What am I to learn from being single? What is that I must accomplish during this season of my life? Whatever it is, it has to be important and I have this unshakable feeling that the fruit is not just for my benefit but for others as well. I had another dream and at the time, I didn’t tell anyone about this dream but I woke up feeling…something. I can’t quite find a word to describe how I felt. I know I was hopeful, but there was another subtle feeling, lightly woven within the hope barely there. I felt it then and I feel it now…that other something that keeps the hope going. I have this purpose, this goal that must be done; something that shall be done. I had my eye on the prize and I knew that was moving forward.
Then something happened.
I met this guy. He was a nice guy, a good looking guy. He told me, “I’ve been a member for three years.” Wow. How is that possible? How could I have been at this church for five years and miss this one here? Suddenly God’s prophesy came to mind. I thought to myself that surely this man was who He had in mind. And like I’ve done once before, I tried to make my life fit into God’s word instead of allowing Him to put the puzzle pieces into place.
I initiated conversation with this man. I was excited because we had good chemistry. Then something else happened: God said “no.” But instead of doing what I normally do (follow my will instead of God’s, make a big mess of my life, then beg Him to help me) I said, “Okay.” I saw what God saw. This was not in His plan for me. This man at this time was not a part of the plan. I thought it would be difficult to walk away, but it was surprisingly easy; and I felt good about my decision.
So in the meantime—the time between my promise and the performance—I wait. But not with my hands neatly folded in my lap watching the minutes tick by. I wait as in “what can I do for You now, Lord. What is it that you need of me?” I wait on God, not for God. Sometimes we get the impressing that God owes us something; especially if He has spoken something into our lives and it doesn’t happen when you feel it should. I have been waiting for marriage for seven years, but I’ve been waiting on God for only a few months. It took me a really long time to learn the difference. Now when someone asks the once dreaded question about my “unmarriedness” I just smile and say, “I’m waiting on God.” In the meantime I, with expectant anticipation, serve God.
