It's Time to Move

I currently have four unfinished, unpublished posts, and an unfinished novel (insert sad face here). This post is a challenge for me because I don't really have anything specific in mind. I am frustrated because I can't write. Lord where are the words? I listen but can only hear my own thoughts. I remember thinking last week that I'm in an unusual season; not necessarily a bad or difficult season but it's different than any season I've been in. Could it be that I am moving forward? Have I gotten myself together long enough for God to allow some things to manifest? Maybe.... While I've been obsessing over trying to find a name for this season three things have happened:

• A missionary at Tuesday night service named the unnamed season for me
• I had a very specific dream about some very specific things (I promise that I'll share when they come to pass).
• I'm having my 4 am wake up calls again.

The missionary preached last week about a season of preparation. That's when I realized that I haven't written anything or completed any posts during my unnamed season. I'll call it the calm before the storm of creativity. My dream was in line with this season of preparation and I woke up with the feeling that something really, really great is waiting for me on the other side. I became a little apprehensive which prompted the 4 am wake up calls. This is when I really get to talk with God. I know he's omnipresent but I like to think of 4 a.m. as ours: just me & my God having a heart to heart. I admit I'm afraid, He tells me it's okay.

I realize, as I write, that maybe I am afraid of good things happening to me. I will admit that I am my own worst enemy. I told God that I don't feel worthy of whatever it is that's about to happen. But you know something? My worth isn't determined by all of the things I've counted. Lord just let me lose about 15 pounds, and I have a plan for this debt, let me pay a little bit of that off; give me time to find another job, then I'll be ready... Well it does sound ridiculous now that I actually see the words.

But God just shared with me: it's your heart. Your heart is growing.

It's one thing to have faith and believe God when you think something is way down the road. I never would have imagined that it would take more faith to receive that same something when it is in your neighborhood, on your street, walking up your driveway.

I don't know your season. I don't know your measure of faith. I don't know the size of your heart. But God does. Let's take the leap of faith together and watch Him move.

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not to thine own understanding. Proverbs 3:5 (KJV)

I Finally Found the One

I remember the first time I met him. I was young and foolish; footloose and fancy-free. I didn't know much but I thought I knew enough about me to know he wasn't the one--especially the one for me. I wanted someone adventurous and fun.  I wanted excitement. I felt that he was all wrong for me so I pretended not to notice him. But he, always the gentlemen, wasn't the least bit offended. And although I could see his disappointment, he didn't press the issue. He simply said, "I'm here if you ever need me."

I was happy for a while. But after some time I started to feel it wasn't quite enough. I realized that something was missing and my craving for excitement and adventure had waned. I needed more so I moved on and began exploring other options. And wouldn't you know it? There he was again...and again I wasn't interested. I thought, I know what I need--an intellectual, someone who will make me think. I need someone to challenge me. It took some time but I found what I was looking for. I thought that this relationship was just what the doctor ordered. My vocabulary grew, my mind was stimulated but still...something else was missing. Soon I grew bored. What is it? I could sense him and tried my best to ignore his gentle whisper, "I am here if you need me."

No not him. He's not the one. I know what I need: someone who can take care of me. I need someone who can give me anything money can buy. So that's what I went after. I was caught up in the astonishment of wealth until I realized that it didn't buy time, devotion, or attention. It certainly didn't buy love. The material things were not enough. I moved on one last time. This time I knew what was missing. Would he still want me? I wondered. I've rejected him so many times and caused him so much hurt. How can I face him? I was scared and ashamed, but I knew I had to find him.

I desperately looked for him; hoping to find him where we first met. There he was--waiting--knowing this moment would come. So with head bowed, shoulders slumped, and voice trembling I said, "I am here and I need You." I knew that all the things I tried to find in others were in God all along.

With Him I am adventerous and care free:
Give your entire attention to what [I am] doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. [I will] help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes (Matthew 6:34 The Message Bible).

He makes me think:
Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious--the best, not the worst; the beautiful, no the ugly; the things to praise, not things to curse (Phillipians 4:8 The Message Bible)

He makes me feel prosperous:
And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus (Phillipians 4:19 NLT).

He is the One. The One who makes me feel excited, smart, cared for...He makes me feel loved.

Yesterday...Today...Forever

This morning before I left the house I  prayed and anointed my ears (to guard what I hear), my temples (to guide my thoughts), my lips (to bridle my tongue), my hands (to direct my action), my feet (to order my steps) and my heart (to exemplify God's love). During my commute I started singing "A Praying Spirit" by The Clark Sisters. Actually I started singing the line "Lord, when I pray give me what to say" mainly because it is the only line I remember. While I can't remember the words of the song, I remember the message: we should want what God wants for us. Unfortunately, about halfway through my drive, I encounter an extremely slow driver which frustrated me so much that my heartbeat increased. I took a few deep breaths...after all, I had just sang about being more like God. As I neared street where my job is, it began to rain. I screamed. Where did this rain come from?! The clouds and overcast sky went over my head this morning. But, because God is so loving and so kind and gives us countless opportunities to keep our word, the rain stopped by the time I parked my car.

I arrive at work, get settled and  I become engrossed in a conversation after asking a question that I realized too late I didn't really want to hear the answer to. By mid morning, I knew that I needed something to get me back on track. I inserted my earphone and listened to my audio Bible. After absorbing a few books I switched to music and pulled "A Song of Consecration" by Ron Winans. I smiled, listening to the words, because I remember finally getting to that place of total, willful surrender...and it wasn't too long ago.

The last six months have been a learning experience. I have let go of things that I never thought I was strong enough to release. I have learned to choose my battles, increase my faith, walk in my anointing, and take things as they come. I still have moments of weakness. I mess up and sometimes fall short. But I visualize that place where I "denied myself and put my hand in [His]." I now stand still, amazed at how far I've travelled and excited about what's waiting for me down the road. I am at the place where my past is where it belongs: behind me. My present is being dealt with on a day to day basis, and my future--my BRIGHT future--is waiting for me.

I call heaven and earth to record this day against you, that I have set before you life and death; blessing and cursings; therefore choose life, that both thou and thy seed may live (Deuteronomy 30:19 KJV).

We all have a past. Let us learn what is to be learned from it.
We all have a present. Let us consider it a gift.
We all have the hope of a future. Let us entrust it to God.

Love Without Limits

Today, I wondered if--by being transparent and sharing with the teeny, tiny portion of the world who reads my blog--am I offending anyone. Many of my post have stemmed from a single struggle that I once had - a fear of being alone for the rest of my life and allowing the spirit of loneliness to consume and destroy me.  When I finally admitted to myself that my singleness would be well kept in God's mighty hands and let go, weird things started to happen. Somewhere between trying not to offend and trying to get people to see my experiences and to write in such a way that they see and hear God, a bit of a struggle ensued. Instead of trying to get someone (who forced me to confront the aforementioned feelings I was so afraid of exposing) see how much help they'd been, he saw it as a violation of trust. It was like a slap in the face. 

Lord what am I doing wrong? Why is it so hard for people to let go of what I used to be and see me for who I'm trying to be?

I realized that I love this person who I had so offended. I knew that something about me has changed. The old me would fall in love and panic after realizing the suitor didn't reciprocate my feelings. I would alter myself to be someone worthy of his love. When that didn't work and the love remained, I pushed it deep down inside of me, hoping that lack of exposure would cause it to die. Instead, it took root inside of me and I became good at shutting people out as a result. But not this time.

Now, after that terrible thing has been uprooted in me (thanks to a wonderful, spirit filled Tuesday night service in the not too distant past), I can say this: I can love and expect nothing in return. This love, once foreign to me,  allows me to pray for the person, to see what's right and what's wrong and not judge or condemn; but to simply keep loving. Instead of taking this rejected love and seeing it as a bad thing, I have embraced it and I LOVE it.

Smiling and going about my usual evening routine I had a revelation: I had just reached a new level. After a ten second praise break I had the overwhelming need to share. I am beginning to understand God's love for me and it brought tears to my eyes. He has loved me from the beginning. When I was rank with the stink of sin He loved me. When I professed to love Him but my actions proved otherwise, He still loved me.

My understanding, acceptance, and dependence (for real this time) on God's love allows me to see others with so much more compassion than I once did. I cannot help but love. It is being woven into the fiber of my being. We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love. God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them (1 John 4:16 NLT).


Love God, love yourself, love others...

Think Like God

Sometimes I feel like a circus side show attraction.

"Hurry, hurry! Step right up to see the single, celibate lady who isn't pulling her hair out because she's not in a relationship! AND, ladies & gentlemen, she's a rarity: she's HAPPY!!"

I think my last straw has broken. First I received an unsolicited attempt to be "hooked up." Then, while fuming to a friend, I received unsolicited relationship advice. I wanted to scream....instead I emailed my advisers (being my mother & aunts). Then it dawned on me that people who do not have a relationship with God will never understand why I've made the choice that I have. Those who profess to love Him yet neglect Him and refuse to serve Him cannot comprehend that my first desire is to please Him. How can they? So, in all fairness I can't really be upset with the person.

I presented my issue to my advisers and posed the question: why is it so hard for people to understand my decision? Here's one of the responses:

Acts 5:29
Then Peter and the other apostles answered and said, We ought to obey God rather than men.
This may not be content perfect but it bring the points that I am trying to make. Because Jesus redeemed us, paid for us with his blood, belong to Him, and we love Him, we are obedient to Him.

Psalm1:1-3
Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful.
But his delight is in the law of the LORD; and in his law doth he meditate day and night.
And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper.


Ungodly advice and counsel need not be accepted. There's no need to offend the advice givers. In fact pray for them. The bible tells us to hold fast to that which is good. It sounds as if your friends probably speak with sincerity but they are simply carnal minded. It is good not to get involved with foolish debates when others try to cause you to back down from your beliefs and Godly principles. Once we are saved, we are spirit led but the flesh is still there. Paul said that it dies daily. It is normal for the flesh to have natural desires including desire for the opposite sex. However, if you take fire to your bosom you will be burned. No, it won't say dating is a sin but because the bible tells us that he that finds a wife finds a good thing. I believe that a godly man knows when he has found his wife and he doesn't have to experiment to find her. And I know you have heard, but here it is again-In all thy ways, acknowledge Him(God) and he shall direct your paths. It is not unusual for people to try to recruit you to do what they are doing even when it's wrong. It is a trick of the enemy and the nature of the sinner and people lacking in understanding. Be reminded: God is all knowing and all powerful. He has everything that we need-spouse included and he will not withhold any good things from those who walk upright. He gives us free choice and free will. No, I don't think that he will drop a husband down from heaven, but I believe if you live for and please him, you and ask what you will and it shall be done onto you. When praying in the Holy Ghost, he will direct your prayer life to the extent where you will pray according to His will and he will allow you to be content in whatever state you are in whether single, married, divorced, widowed, separated, etc...



I'm sure she doesn't mind me sharing. It is, after all, our responsibility as Christians to provide light where there is darkness. Perhaps the release of the current #1 blockbuster has brought relationships to the forefront of everyone's mind. My past experiences have taught me if you think as the world thinks and act as the world acts, you will receive what the world receives. I've been there and it simply was not enough. I would much rather have what God has to offer.



So, I'll leave you with this:

Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus (Philippians 2:5)

Great Expectations

I was looking forward to April because I was waiting to share a post that I felt was long overdue. But when I logged on to complete it, I got nothing; not one single word. I decided to log out and return to it later. Well, "later" is now and still....nothing. I am moved to go in a completely different direction. A spirit of expectation is consuming me today. This morning, while quietly going about my business, I almost lost it. I felt like running laps around the building--inside and outside. I looked up at a note taped to my cubicle wall written on February 5, 2009:

• The word for today is FAITH. Whatever God has promised or whatever you have asked according to His will is GOING TO HAPPEN. Regardless of what it looks like right now, it's GOT to happen. So if there's something that you want, ask in faith and let it go. If there's something you're still waiting on, keep waiting in faith. GOD HASN'T FORGOTTEN, YOU'RE STILL ON HIS MIND

We are constantly told to prepare for war in the time of peace but I'm telling you today: prepare for abundance in your time of lack. Prepare for promises manifested. Prepare to excel to the next level in every area of your life. To borrow from a  song, "Expect Your Great." Last month, I told you how I have come to understand the difference between giving up and surrendering. So, for this feeling to rise up at this time, during this moment in my life, is all in order. And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them (Romans 8:28 NLT).

I've been knocked down, trampled on and I've even had self inflicted wounds. But the beauty of all of that is it is all behind me. My mother has quoted Psalm 37:4 to me over and over: Delight thyself also in the LORD: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart (KJV). I used to think that if I did what I was supposed to do like be faithful and establish a routine of praying and studying my bible that I would get the things on my prayer list (which was really a wish list). I remember during a time of frustration, I cried out to God, "I've done what I was supposed to do; where's my stuff?!!" Well not exactly in those words but definitely in the sentiment. I finally took my eyes off of God's hands and started to seek His face. That's when life began to make sense.

I'm excited; for me and for you. We can't see, hear or understand what's in store for us!

White Flag

Early one morning during prayer time, I was seeking guidance about a particular thing that had been weighing pretty heavy on me for about five months. After I was done praying I turned on the radio and, not wanting to choose between the lackluster radio station options, I switched to my CD player unsure of what was in the current rotation. Now I know that some people are super sanctimonious and would probably disagree but I sincerely believe that God spoke to me through a secular song. A line from this song says, "I'm waving my white flag, said I'm taking my life back." It is about a woman who has given up on trying love someone, she's not equipped to do so. The song made me think about the difference between surrendering and giving up. Giving up means that you have not utilized, activated, or exercised the measure of faith God has given. To surrender mean the opposite.

I had given up on the promise that I wanted the most from God and started to devise a plan B (B in this case stood for "BIG mistake). God said, Daughter, you know I'm not happy about that decision! You know what Lord...neither am I. Not to say that I was not pleased with God; I wasn't pleased with me. I found myself again at the Master's feet, contrite and repentant. I had become exhausted from getting in my own way so I made a conscious decision to give up. Yet God, speaking ever so lovingly and gently asked me to hold on, to surrender all my feelings and disappointments, my expectations to Him. It has taken me a ridiculously long time to fully understand that my faith is my own. Our faith is like our fingerprints--no two peoples' are the same. We may be believing for the some of the same things yet we are not believing in the same way.

When we give up on a word or promise God has spoken to us, we are telling Him, "I don't believe You, God." God is not a man, so he does not lie. He is not human, so he does not change his mind. Has he ever spoken and failed to act? Has he ever promised and not carried it through? (Numbers 23:19 NLT).  2008  was the year I received my promise.  From that time to this, I have let go (as in given up) only to grab hold and let go (as in surrender), only to grab hold again. It was vicious cycle of doubt and belief; one that I was tired of. I know that the biggest thing keeping me from receiving my promise is me. But instead of changing my mind to align itself with God's will, I found myself trying to change things outside my control.

 If I start worrying about what might or might not happen tomorrow or question why something things didn't happen yesterday, I'll start doubting today. And the most that we can do is live for today; if it's full of doubt, that makes for a pretty unproductive day. I just read a church marquee that said, "We cannot alter our past but we can alter our future." What we do, how we believe today will definitely affect our tomorrow. What we surrender today will make us that much more lighter tomorrow.

 He staggered not at the promise of God through unbelief; but was strong in faith, giving glory to God (Romans 4:20 KJV). I love this scripture. When I think about staggering, I think about someone who isn't walking a straight line; one who veers off the path in front of him. I think about someone not following the directions she was given. I think about the "stagger not" part of this scripture. It means that the waiting was not easy; that there was something involved in the process where staggering was an option. Yet he (Abraham) didn't. I'm sure that when that ole stagger spirit came up, that's when he started giving glory. I can just hear the Enemy "You're not getting that son. You and your wife are old. I don't know why you even bother." Then I can hear Abraham "Thank You Jesus! Bless your Name; God you're worthy! Hallelujah!!"

I am encouraging you as I encourage myself: God has not forgotten what He promised. He will not release anything unless we release control, our wills, our existence to Him.