Home Again

At the church that I attend, we have monthly emphases; every month, we focus on an aspect that will enhance our walks with Christ. The emphasis for July is Faith & Deliverance.  Prior to July, however, God was constantly trying to speaking to me but I couldn’t hear Him. I was frustrated. I was distressed. I was tired. I was giving up. I didn’t understand my “wilderness experience” and I’m the type of person who needs an explanation for EVERYTHING. So, imagine my dilemma of not knowing anything about anything about my life. GOD, WHAT GIVES?!!! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?! WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?!!! It’s not happening to you, it’s happening for you. That didn’t make me feel better. I didn’t want to hear that. I wanted a solution. I wanted it to be over. I wanted to feel better. I lay on my bed, motionless, unable to cry, wallowing in my self pity. I was basically complaining and whining. But you know what? God doesn’t respond to complaining and whining. He doesn’t respond to tears shed in self pity. He is not an impassionate God, mind you. He understood, but He wanted to teach me something. So when nothing happened, I was just…done. There’s no other word for it. I was done.  But God said, not yet.

My Pastor did a lesson entitled, “Strength in Faith” and said that faith gives you four things: power, passion, possession, and peace. He taught from Numbers 13 which dealt with the spies checking out Canaan. Now this is what “Thus saith the Lord.” He instructed Moses, who in turn, instructed the people. God tells you that you will possess that land. He says, “Go check it out; it’s pretty fabulous, and its your.” Why on earth would you doubt Him? Why would you say, We’re not good enough, we can’t live there. We’re too small and too weak. Okay…God is more than ANY that is against us. If He says you can have it by His power, why not take Him at his word? Well, I was sitting there mad at the Israelites because I thought that they were so stupid. God was already, literally, taking care of them. They didn’t have to worry about anything. He fed them, he led them. They wandered for 40 years and their shoes and clothes never wore down.  WHAT WAS WRONG WITH THOSE UNGRATEFUL PEOPLE?!

Then it hit me; or should I say God hit me. What makes me so different? I’m no better than the Israelites. God led me to this scripture:

And the Lord said to Moses, How long will this people provoke (spurn, despise) Me? And how long will it be before they believe Me [trusting in, relying on, clinging to Me], for all the signs which I have performed among them?  (Numbers 14:11 AMP)

What would God have to do to convince me that He’s got my back, that He knows what’s best? This is what I heard that night and it’s been with me since, There’s nothing left for you to do but trust Me. Okay, I receive that. Then He moved. He spoke to me. He responded to my faith. When I was laid across my bed thinking I wasn’t loved, He couldn’t do anything because it would have done no good. Now I believe that things are working for my good. Usually I say I believe but there’s always that underlying panic and doubt. Not this time. I actually believe. I BELIEVE.  When I got home, I got my Micah Stampley CD and played his song over and over entitled, “I Believe.” I played it for about a week and a half. It was my testimony and every time doubt tried to creep up and steal my peace, power, passion, and possessions, I remembered: there’s nothing left for me to do but trust Him. 

Later, I went on vacation, driving a good deal of the way. My passengers slept most of the way so I had time to myself. I starting thinking, “What does it mean to chase after God? I don’t know what that means. How do I seek God? I just don’t understand. I feel like this is something I should know.” And I wanted to know what it meant. I wanted to chase God. It sounded like something worthwhile. So I prayed, “God I want to know what that means. I never thought about it before.”  As soon as I prayed that, something changed. I don’t know what happened. Maybe God was waiting for me ask that question.  Maybe that’s what this year was all about. On the Sunday of my vacation, while getting ready for church, a song came on that I had not heard for at least 10 years. One part says,

Seeking God in a very solemn way, taking heed to the things I do and say; offering myself to you. I’m coming as a brother, coming as a friend. Now I see it’s clear to me. It’s You I need; I deny myself and put my hand in yours.

Something in my spirit leaped. That’s it! That’s chasing God. I was so glad that I was in the room alone because I don’t know what my facial expression was. I wanted to lose my mind in the Holy Ghost but since I wasn’t at home, I just whispered thankyouthankyouthankyou, thankyou. Just like that: no spaces, no punctuation. Simply, Thank You. When I got home from vacation, my church was in the middle of an unscheduled revival. The very first night I went, I danced, I yelled, I let go and let God. I got back something that I thought was lost and that I was trying so hard to get back.  When it happened, I felt that I was home.

This is what confirmed it for me: The guest evangelist, during the alter call, sang that exact same song, “Now I see. It’s clear to me, it’s You I need. I deny myself and put my hand in Yours.” God and I are holding hands. You know, I always did enjoy holding hands with someone I love.  I’ve reconnect with my best friend. I’m getting to know Him all other again. I wake up expecting Him to speak. I yearn for His voice, I crave His presence. I’m experiencing love. Last night, I asked God to speak to me. Say something, anything. You know what He said—My daughter, my love.

His love…I’m His and He loves me. Wow…he loves me.