Crushes Anonymous

Once upon a time, I had a serious problem with crushes; something that was nothing until it got out of hand. Finally I broke free from the curse of crushes. But my biggest challenge was remaining free. There was no official twelve step program; no monthly support group; and no pill or patch to help me stay the course. There was just me and my decision to remain free. Galatians 5:1 states “Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ Jesus has made you free and be not again entangled with a yoke of bondage.” It wasn’t easy. I didn’t become this person, this habitual crusher, overnight. Therefore, I could not expect the change to be instant.  

I sometimes consider myself a microwave saint. I expect God to move when I asked Him, then when He doesn't do anything in my timeframe, I feel slighted. I always tell myself (and anyone else for that matter): “God does things suddenly.” Which is true, but because our will sometimes supersedes His will--we want what we want more than we want what He wants--it is difficult for us to stay where He has placed us. Remember Lot’s family? God made a way to deliver them out of Sodom and Gomorrah. The one stipulation was to not look back. Yet Lot’s wife did and she was destroyed because of it. So if you don’t want to repeatedly fall into the same trap of crushes, all you have to do is keep looking forward.

Well, how can I give you my testimony and not look back on what happened? It sounds contradictory, right? Wrong; I can reflect on an event without reliving it. It is okay to tell someone about my experience to help, encourage, or even warn. But I realized that I was re-telling my experience because it gave me an excuse to talk about it and that was a problem. I didn’t learned my lesson and sure enough, I returned to the same pattern of behavior. I have to admit that even when I let go of my attraction to one of the many wrong men that I have fallen for in the past;  when I saw that one crush had moved on and was deeply involved in a new relationship, I still found myself reliving situations and replaying conversations in my mind. I would analyze every detail, every moment we spent together; every word said…trying to figure out what I did to make him not want me; asking myself what I could have done differently.   

The truth is there was nothing that I could have done. I believe that, to this day, if I had done the total opposite, the outcome still would have been the same. Soon, I was back in the place that I struggled so hard to escape.  Finally, I found the determination that I will not allow this one thing, this curse of crushes, to break me or block my blessings.

True story-- I had a friend “Buzz”(whose name has been changed to protect the innocent) who I had a serious crush on. Buzz and I were really good friends. We spent almost everyday day together and I know we talked or text a couple of time a day. Now I’m not the type of woman who does that. I valued my time and my space. But he kind of got to me; so much so that I came to depend on that connection that I thought we had. It just so happened that there was no connection at all, well at least not on Buzz’s part. Sadly, I was the last to know.

I learned in this situation, friendship was not an option. My pretense of friendship had an ulterior motive. I felt like I had invested too much time in Buzz to allow him to walk away. But I heard something on the radio one day:  Someone will choose you because of his/her free will and that same free will causes them to walk away; it’s not up to you to make them stay. This being said, why do we waste time, tears, or whatever trying to redirect someone’s will? God, in His infinite power, will not force us to serve Him but gives us the choice to do so. He wants it to be our decision. So why should we expect differently if we are to pattern ourselves after our Father?  I had convinced myself, “If I love him enough; if I tell him all of the right things; if I make myself available to him then he’ll want me.” No. He won’t.
      
I needed so much for this man to accept me, to love me, to want me that I completely forgot about God’s acceptance, love, and use for me. But God already knew what I was struggling to learn—I need Him and only Him. I would tell God, “Well, Lord if you give me this thing, then I’ll be whatever you want and do what ever You ask.” 

I learned a real simple lesson as I suffered through crush after crush. I had to take each day as it was and live for that day. Every time I formed a crush and created a future that God had not approved nor had He designed for me, I was basically telling him over and over that I didn't trust Him.

I didn’t have the courage to walk completely away from God and didn’t have the sense to ask for His help. So I continued, going through all the motions, like my heart wasn't broken; too foolish to ask God for what I needed. I sat in church week after week and felt nothing. What is this, God? Why are you putting me through this…what have I done to deserve such pain? Help me, tell me what to do. Fix me…please. There was nothing, just silence. I thought it would kill me. I thought about those people who were considered reprobates and I wondered if that’s what had happened to me. One day I changed my prayer: Lord, help me to endure this. I know it’s for my growth and Your glory.

Now that I am completely delivered from crushing, I can honestly look back on all of the men I've had a crush on and thank God that He didn't give me what I asked for (insert praise here). I have found a healthy balance between appreciating fine when I see it and understanding that my imagination is not my destination in God's plan for me.