Know Your Place

I woke up a few mornings ago humming, "my soul says yes, yes Lord....yes to your will, yes to you way..." followed by my rendition of" my soul says yes to my Lord....He's done great things, great things..." although I suspected that I had combined two songs into one but it made sense to me so I kept singing. I concluded with my own version of "Completely Yes" in the car on the way to work which blessed me so much that I listened to it once I got there.

This, combined with last Sunday's sermon (the first installment of "The Assignment" series") still fresh on my mind reminded me of something I wrote about five years ago, and while the bulk of it is --for lack of a better word--useless, there are a few things that still strike a chord in me:

Lesson number one: function where you are. Don’t become a part of something because you want to make friends or because certain ministries seem more glamorous. If you don’t like to sing, if you can’t sing, don’t join the choir because you want people to see your new outfit. Sometimes, your purpose is simply to encourage the person sitting next to you.

Lesson number two: take God at His word. We have to trust Him. Period.  God tells us what we need to know, when we need to know it. He prepares and equips us for our purpose; if you aren't sure what you're supposed to do, ask. He's not stingy. He's not going to give you something to do and not help you complete the task. He is more than capable of providing everything you need to do anything you need to do.

Lesson number three: don't overstay your welcome. When you have completed the assignment, move on. To quote my pastor, "When we are outside of our assignment, God has no responsibility to bless us." I know this to be true from experience. I worked in the children's ministry for seven years and served as a leader for the last two. When God told me that assignment had ended and I didn't move immediately, I could feel the shift in my spirit. I was more irritable, I went from having a million and one ideas to feeling like not being bothered; from feeling inspired to feeling obligated. All of which could have been avoided if I had simply moved when I was supposed to.  

I know we sometimes get confused and think that things are about us. But they're not. We have a tendency to avoid conversations with those who are always talking about themselves. Isn't it better to receive a compliment than to toot your own horn? If we don't like it, surely we can conclude that God does not. My life, your life, our purpose is so much greater than who we are. A spiritual gift is given to each of us so we can help each other (1 Corinthians 12:7 NLT). Okay, now let us collectively get over ourselves and get busy operating where God wants us.

I used to have it bad trying to do my own thing. I didn't realize that my life isn't mine. All that I am and all, all that I will be belongs to God. So now I preface every decision with a prayer. I encourage you to pray it with me:

God let my wants come into alignment with Your wants. If this move/decision is in Your plan for me, I thank you for opening the door and making the way. If this is not in Your plan for me, I thank You for better. Amen

Check the Date

Let me preface this post with an apology. I neglected to publish anything during October...which was not for a lack of trying but I simply didn't hear anything that I felt led to share.

Now, back to our regularly scheduled entry.

I don't know if anyone remembers the post regarding my "list." (She's Making a List and Checking It Twice June 2011) but I was thinking about it...again...here lately. During this week's Sunday School, the teacher talked about the difference between self made storms and the storms that God allows to develop and grow us. Well, last week that kind of happened to me. But in a backwards sort of way. I was thinking about my list and the person who fit the bill. So I texted him. Yes, I know it was a bad idea but I just couldn't help myself. It wasn't that I was missing him or wanted him to want me. I think I was more so testing my own strength. I wanted something to gauge my growth. Granted, there were many other things that I could have done...but the thing is, I became stuck in a cycle of falling for men who didn't want me. I sit here and think back and it has been, as my mother says (which she got from her dad) "the same soup warmed over." And quiet as it's kept--well, not really. But I was sick of eating that soup! (Stay with me, this isn't random rambling).

I don't know if it's the new look, or my conscious decision to speak positively and invite positive things into my life, but it dawned on me in the middle of that text conversation, "It's not me. It's him!" Can I admit that I thought it was me? Which I know is a bit absurd yet the release, the total liberation that I felt after that realization is anything but. It has had me walking on air, singing hallelujah, and dreaming sweet dreams. If I had not listened to God, taken time to finally grow up (in my spirit) then I know without a shadow of doubt, I would be in the midst of one of those self inflicted storms--without umbrella or galoshes--getting pummeled by an unnecessary rain.

This is what God said, one morning as I bent to get something from under the sink, Now, do you want what you want or do you want what I want for you? Something in my mind, body, and soul just clicked. It was for me an audible one: a soft click, no louder than a whisper. I stood up and smiled. I remembered the list. I put everything I wanted in a man, boyfriend turned husband, soul mate, help mete, boo thang....whatever you want to call it. And I thought because I left off a physical description or desired features, that made me deep. It didn't. What I should have done was make a list of my concerns, fears, hopes, what I loved and what I hated about being single; prayed over it, then put it in God's hands.

That man--the list made flesh--is not at all what I want. I sit here and wonder if he would be able to pray for me, or love God more than me, or cover and protect me. Would he be willing to spoil me? I don't know and I am no longer interested in finding out. Problems arise when we try to use or keep something past its expiration date. It's the same way with God. He allows things according to His time frame: some things are meant to last, while most are just seasonal. You wouldn't drink milk with an expiration date of Nov 12 on Christmas Eve. Do you know why? Because it would make you terribly sick.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build (Ecclesiastes 3:1-3 NLT)
Yet we do it all the time with relationships, jobs, ministry...hold on to what we know is past the prime. I knew---absolutely, positively, unequivocally KNEW---that list made flesh was intended to be something temporary. But I allowed myself to get in my own way. I held on past the expiration date and, yes, I got sick...in my heart and my spirit. But a God who loves me more than words can ever describe, allowed me to evolve because of it.

I didn't know how this was going to end when I started, but I thank God for the revelation. If you find yourself wondering why you're not feeling like yourself or if there are some "things-not-quite-right" situations in your life, check the expiration date. It may be time to throw some stuff away.

This Time Last Year...

This time last year ________________________; but today ____________________________.

Let's fill in the blanks shall we? I'll go first.

This time last year I was depressed, probably on the verge of losing it; but today I am content, conscious of God's plan for me, and happy. Looking back, I realize the root of my depression. I thought it was because of what was going on around me and what was happening to me; but the truth of the matter is my physical being was reacting to my spiritual state. I was disobeying God and I knew it.  My "this time last year" probably should not have happened. Had I moved when God said move months before, this time last year would probably sound a lot like today.

I've been thinking about some things, some decisions, actions that I have made and done in the past. God has reminded me of some opportunities that He had given me that I've turned my nose up at and ignored. I think about how I intentionally pushed someone away when I all I had to do was listen. 

I became so engulfed in "shoulda, coulda, woulda" that I began to feel like a failure. I had to instantly rebuke that mindset because where I am (bad decisions and all) is exactly where I am supposed to be. 

I cannot take back word that I have spoken. I cannot undo actions that I have committed. I cannot press a giant rewind button to go back and do things different. God, in his Awesomeness, could have made our lives that easy but what kind of state would we be in if we knew that we could undo or redo something after learning the repercussions. We would probably be a bunch of ungrateful brats unappreciative of our Father.

I know that God is not bringing these things to the forefront of my mind to make me feel like a failure or that I feel bad. I believe He is showing me these things so that when the next opportunity comes along, I will be able to see Him in it and act accordingly. I am preparing for whatever is about to come; and although I'm mindful of my past, I can't spend a great deal of time dwelling on it in my season of preparation. 

I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong. By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward--to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back (Philippians 3:12-14 The Message Bible). 

I could have presented the familiar KJV of this passage but I love how The Message Bible words it. "I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back" - doesn't that sound exciting? Doesn't it sound like purpose?

I know that I have been posting a lot about purpose and plans but I cannot shake it. Perhaps this is more for me than for anyone. We must ask ourselves, "What can I do better today than I did yesterday? How am I getting ready today for what's coming tomorrow? I have to repent for this question because unfortunately, sometimes the answer is "nothing." But that's also a lesson worth learning.

This post is interactive. If you are reading this, I want you to comment--TESTIFY--about your this time last year and your today. What may seem like nothing to you can be just the word someone else is waiting to hear. I feel it in my heart and my spirit that someone is going to be encouraged by what you say.

No Limits

I was so inspired by Tuesday night's service here at my local church because there is something that I have been thinking about for the last month that requires a tremendous amount of faith and after that Rhema word, I'm ready to move.

First, let me back up a bit: On Sunday, I woke up with the song "No Limits" ringing in my head. If you aren't familiar with it, here are the simple yet profound lyrics:

No limits, no boundaries

I see increase all around me

Stretch forth, break forth

Release me/enlarge my territory

Take the limits off

The pastor at my home church preached about Lazarus (John 11). Actually, he preached about Mary and her measure of faith. She believed that Jesus could have healed a sick Lazarus; she believed that in death, Lazarus would live again in heaven for all of eternity. Yet, she didn't believe Jesus could raise Lazarus up who had been "good n' dead." My home church pastor also said there are three kinds of faith: limited, fundamental, and unlimited. Mary (in case you haven't figure it out) had limited faith. Then he admonished us to take the limits off of God and to pursue unlimited faith. God, afterall, can do anything but fail. OK, Lord, I'm listening...didn't you just tell me that this morning though that song stuck in my head?

Last Monday, I talked about how I got lost on the way home because I chose a different route (Just Wait it Out). Little did I know God was going to remind me of something that I abandoned over ten years ago. It has been my dream since college to become a professor, department chair, and/or dean and someday president of a college or university.

I cannot believe that I had forgotten that dream. God reminded me of the path that I had moved away from. As a matter of fact, now, I am remembering the favor that was given me to attend a university for a Master's degree specifically geared towards post secondary teaching. Had I stayed that course, I would be closer to my once forgotten, perhaps subconsciously dismissed dream. 

Now back to the present: last night my pastor talked about the children of Israel who were afraid to venture into the unknown when they were right on the verge...on the boundaries of the promised land.  However, they didn't have enough faith in themselves (which is bad enough by itself), but they didn't have enough faith in God. He challenged us on our level of faith. Are you willing look crazy...have you looked crazy for faith's sake? (So you know I'm jumping on the inside by this point; that's the title of last month's post).

It has been weighing tremendously on me to go back to school, get my PhD, and move in this direction that I believe God is leading me. I have no idea how I am going to pay for this, I don't know if I'll be able to get a job once I receive the degree. Can I admit that I'm scared? I like having a plan, that's my comfort zone. Yet God, especially this year, has been pushing me ever so gently out of my comfort zone. Who knew this was something He was preparing me for? Last year, I would have talked myself out of this but now... Well, now I am about to study for the GRE just in case I need to take it. Now I am going to respond to this email about an online class geared towards teaching adults. Now I am going to use any extra funds I get (no matter how small) to save for the cost of entry exams, transcript requests, and application fees.

Even though the fig trees have no blossom, and there are no grapes on the vines; even though the olive crop fails, and the fields are barren; even though the flocks die in the fields, and the cattle barns are empty, yet I will rejoice in the LORD! I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!  Habakkuk 3:17-18 NLT

I do not have a clue as to how this is going to happen. But I am so overwhelmed by the belief that this is God's plan, that I just can't ignore it. Habakkuk creates a list of everything going wrong in his life then he ends it with hope. I don't know what this future of mine holds, I don't know where the money is coming from, but I know that I will rejoice in the Lord. I will believe in God. I will believe in me. Then I will hope and see what the end is going to be.

Just Wait it Out

A funny thing happened on the way home from work the other day: I got lost! Well, not so much funny as more like an out of body experience. Picture it: the interstate, Wednesday.... I was driving along when all of a sudden, the traffic came to a standstill (which in Memphis is not unusual). There is an accident, lanes are blocked. Normally, when there is an accident on the interstate, I trudge along and wait it out. Yet on this particular day, I just did not feel like it. So I got off on the upcoming exit and the plan was to avoid one major street to get to another. I had done it before so I knew it would save me some time. After driving for a while I thought to myself, "I should be there by now." Then things started looking unfamiliar. So me being the gets lost but doesn't panic/let's just see where this goes type of person that I am, kept driving. I figured eventually something would look familiar and I could get my bearings and make it home. Well thirty minutes later, I was still driving. Nothing looked familiar, I felt like I was in a different city. Hindsight, I remembered that there was a side street that I was supposed to turn on, it's name flashed across my mind. And wouldn't you know it? I ended up back where I started--the street  where I exited the interstate.

Isn't that how it is in our relationship with God? He gives us a set path to take. However, we will encounter something that may delay the journey, but the path is the correct one; and it will get us to where we're supposed to go. When we move away from where God directs us, not only do we prolong the arrival at our destination, but we have to return to our starting point. What looks like the easy way is not always the case. I knew God was teaching me something during my fantastic voyage across the city. He is telling me to stay put. He is telling me simply because the trip is taking longer than I expected, it does not mean that I won't get there. He is telling me to forget about my timeline and deadlines and anticipate my due season.

Earlier in the week while doing nothing in particular, I saw myself walking at what appeared to be the Grand Canyon. I was studying a map and not paying attention to where I was walking and soon I found myself right at the edge, dangerously close to falling over. I didn't really understand it until I was driving aimlessly around hoping something would get me back on track. 

Then it hit me: we must pay attention at the beginning, middle, and end of the journey. Getting caught up in the end result is the same as getting lost in the process. We will be tempted to get off the path to take our self made "short cuts." We will become distracted, impatient, discouraged. But the real test is how we handle it all. Don't let my physical experience become your Spiritual experience.

Ponder the path of your feet, and let all your ways be established (Proverbs 4:26 NKJV).

In other words, think about where you are going. Now allow God to make the way for you. It's the only way to arrive when and how you're supposed to.

Let's wait it out. Together. Let's run on, walk, skip, even crawl...to see what the end will be. It may take us a while, and we will encounter some problems along the way but the end result will be worth it.

Crazy? Faith!

We've heard it; we've quoted it; some of us live it and others doubt it. It is the faith scripture. You know the one I'm talking about: Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen - Hebrews 11:1. I didn't even have to look it up, I know it by heart.

I will admit that my faith has been tested during my Christian walk and I'm going to be honest and admit that more times than not, I have failed. But this year...this year of my great growth...I decided to have a no-matter-what mind frame. In March, I asked God to help me depend totally and completely on Him. Now that I sit and take a minute to think, I realize that this year has been one big walk of faith. God prompted me to move out of my place of comfort (and complaceny) to go somewhere that was foreign to me. I was apprehensive, I was afraid, I felt like Abram when God told him to leave his native country (Genesis 12).

Let me paint a picture for you:
God: Go to that church
Me: pretends not to hear
God: It's time for you to leave this place. Go and join that church.
Me: (says to self) That's not God speaking, that's me feeling tired and overwhelmed. I'm burned out on church work. I think I'm going to remove myself from all of these ministries and just sit down next year.
God chastened, I cried. God said, "Move."

So I moved and from that time to this I have been nothing but blessed. I knew that God's decision was the best one for me but my mind, my flesh,  that Miller part of me resisted. I told God, I promised Him that I would trust Him. That's not to say I've been perfect in this. I have, again, faltered but I get up and always try again.

One of my greatest challenges of faith deals with my finances. Every month I create a budget for each pay period. My end of month check is the smallest and it's when the majority of my bills are due. Normally, I reserve funds from the middle of the month check to cover the lack for the end of the month. Well, this time around, because I was expecting some extra income for a project I was doing for a friend, I didn't follow my normal mode of behavior. And wouldn't you know it? I was a tank of gas short and I honestly didn't know where it would come from with $1.52 in my bank account. The day that gas light came on I looked at it and said, "Lord, I don't know how I'm going get this gas. But I'm going to believe You for it."

My sister is a firm believer of asking our parents for financial help. She thinks that I'm crazy when I don't have enough and I don't go to them for help. She asked, "Why didn't you ask Mama?" When I couldn't come up with an answer she shook her head in disdain. But I had an answer, I just didn't know how to articulate it...until now.

It's easy for me to go to my parents for help because I know that they will help me. This is nothing new to me; in the past I have hoped in God, believed Him for impossible things only to get fearful and go to my mother for financial help or dismiss something that to me seemed too far fetched. Where is the faith in that? What glory does God get in me taking the "sensible" way?

I guess if you really think about it, faith does look crazy. Abraham taking Issac up to the sacrifice without a sacrifice looked crazy. The woman with the issue of blood, walking bent over looked crazy. Mary, pregnant when she had never been touched by a man, looked crazy. Me, driving with no money and no gas, looked crazy. When we get to that point, we can start looking for God. I'm getting excited just thinking about how wonderful this God of mine is!. And do you know what God did, He used my sister, the one who thinks I am all the way off my rocker to give me what I needed.

Sunday's service confirmed it for me. August is our soul winning month and second Sunday was designated as a healing service. I was expecting the pastor to call those who were sick to come to the altar so that they could receive their healing. But it was nothing like that at all. It was a celebration of faith. God is about to move for those who have believed him for little things, who have worn the label "crazy" for faith's sake, who have held on despite how it seemed and looked and felt. 

Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you. (Psalm 37:5 NLT) That's it. Faith in a nutshell. Replace "everything you do" with something and wait. Here's mine: Commit [figuring out how to put gas in my car] to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you. 

Am I crazy? Nah. I just have crazy faith.

It's Time to Move

I currently have four unfinished, unpublished posts, and an unfinished novel (insert sad face here). This post is a challenge for me because I don't really have anything specific in mind. I am frustrated because I can't write. Lord where are the words? I listen but can only hear my own thoughts. I remember thinking last week that I'm in an unusual season; not necessarily a bad or difficult season but it's different than any season I've been in. Could it be that I am moving forward? Have I gotten myself together long enough for God to allow some things to manifest? Maybe.... While I've been obsessing over trying to find a name for this season three things have happened:

• A missionary at Tuesday night service named the unnamed season for me
• I had a very specific dream about some very specific things (I promise that I'll share when they come to pass).
• I'm having my 4 am wake up calls again.

The missionary preached last week about a season of preparation. That's when I realized that I haven't written anything or completed any posts during my unnamed season. I'll call it the calm before the storm of creativity. My dream was in line with this season of preparation and I woke up with the feeling that something really, really great is waiting for me on the other side. I became a little apprehensive which prompted the 4 am wake up calls. This is when I really get to talk with God. I know he's omnipresent but I like to think of 4 a.m. as ours: just me & my God having a heart to heart. I admit I'm afraid, He tells me it's okay.

I realize, as I write, that maybe I am afraid of good things happening to me. I will admit that I am my own worst enemy. I told God that I don't feel worthy of whatever it is that's about to happen. But you know something? My worth isn't determined by all of the things I've counted. Lord just let me lose about 15 pounds, and I have a plan for this debt, let me pay a little bit of that off; give me time to find another job, then I'll be ready... Well it does sound ridiculous now that I actually see the words.

But God just shared with me: it's your heart. Your heart is growing.

It's one thing to have faith and believe God when you think something is way down the road. I never would have imagined that it would take more faith to receive that same something when it is in your neighborhood, on your street, walking up your driveway.

I don't know your season. I don't know your measure of faith. I don't know the size of your heart. But God does. Let's take the leap of faith together and watch Him move.

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not to thine own understanding. Proverbs 3:5 (KJV)